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Recently I found myself hooked in a tension, from a conversation I had with a friend of mine. Surprisingly, it brought out an angry side to me that I just couldn’t shake off. Which reminded me, ‘shaking off’ emotions never really works anyway. And that’s because they are a part of us. A dear friend Jim Sharman beautifully describes what to pay attention to at times like these:

“What fears are you carrying, like weights around your feet and arms, weighing you down, drawing your energy away from your centre? What reassurance can you offer them? What could you achieve if, instead, you embraced them and made them friends and allies, adding their energies to your life’s intention, taking them on your journey? Imagine what you could achieve then?”

How quickly we get released from emotional tension, depends on our awareness and willingness to stay curious, and give space to the energy that’s tied up. That’s not always possible in the heat of the moment, and sometimes we need to take time out to reflect to get back to feeling ‘at home in our own skin’. One way we can do this is by getting familiar with the constellation of emotions inside, as though they are people themselves. This way we can learn what they desire and need, and develop more healthy ways of responding when we get hooked in the future. The quickest and most powerful way I’ve experienced this is through ‘sculpting’ each part using body language, and I invite you try this for yourself. (A caveat: if what you’re going through is particularly traumatising, I wouldn’t recommend doing this on your own. Better to work with a coach or therapist).

Here’s how this works. Imagine four squares in a cross shape on the floor. One for a different emotional state. I use the OK Corral for each state: I’m OK, you’re OK / I’m not OK and neither are you / I’m not OK, you’re OK / I’m OK, but you’re not OK. Take a ‘knot’ – an emotional issue in which you feel tied up. Use the squares to explore your mix of emotions around the issue, stepping into the different squares as the mood changes. Exaggerate the body language of each emotional state. With each move, we access different parts of ourselves – each of which have a different energy that comes with them. The trick is to give voice to each emotional state and release the energy that’s tied up there. Ideally, we end up in a state of “I’m OK, you’re OK”, where we can set new intentions for the way forward.

I used this to self-coach through some heavy emotions, moving from disempowered to a visionary state, and feeling decisive about my way forward. What is most surprising is the speed at which this works when bringing body language into it. Here are the questions I asked and how the dialogue unfolded:

I’m not OK, you’re OK:

·        What are you experiencing right now? What does that look and feel like in your body?

·        How old is this part and what name would you give it?

·        What’s your story? What’s the narrative you’re telling yourself?

·        What do you fear is the worst that will happen?

This last question led to a turning point. Getting clear on what I didn’t want to happen provoked me to get vocal about what I do want, albeit in a defensive way. I quickly moved to I’m OK, you’re not OK.

I’m OK, you’re not OK:

·        Show me how you’re feeling in your body language.

·        What’s your side of the story? What are your beliefs around right and wrong in this situation?

·        What’s your ideal outcome?

Turning point: It’s this last question that unlocked energy hidden beneath the belief that “I’m not OK, you’re OK”. As the wonderful connection coach Anke Verhees explains in her recent blog:

“Aliveness is something you can actively create by following your desire.”

Dialogue with this part continued by exploring how it was experiencing other people:

·        What’s the story you’ve been telling yourself about others?

·        Where’s your availability to see them with more kindness?

Turning point: Awareness that other people are not maliciously trying to disempower me.

I’m OK, you’re OK:

·        Can you accept these other two parts of yourself?

·        What quality could you bring in to support you going forward? What’s it like to embody that?

Turning point: Sculpting acceptance and openness towards all the emotional parts starts to weave yourself back together and opens opportunities for a way forward. What’s more, adding a new quality or resource-of-choice gives this more open state an extra boost of creativity.

I invite you to give this activity a go next time you’re feeling tense. Of course, your dialogue and the sequence of exploration could look very different from mine. These questions are just a starter palette.

To help prevent you from getting ‘re-hooked’, some simple rules of thumb:

1.      Cultivate curiosity with each question

2.      Feel into the sensations of each state and notice what’s there

3.      Remember to breathe deeply throughout

If you want to develop in-depth awareness the different energy patterns within you, reach out to us about Insights Discovery, a powerful profiling tool based on the psychology of Carl Jung.

Let’s start a conversation…